Not The Best Speech
It was definitely not the best speech. I know! Also, it’s only I who know the pressure that I had handled (successfully) while speaking which is undoubtedly impossible to gauge by anyone except those who themselves have experienced it. Honestly, after I was done speaking, I regretted my performance. As I am (a happy-go-lucky person) I forgot everything after a little while. I didn’t care how things went. All I wanted to do was have fun with my friends from across the country who I befriended recently only. And so I did until I returned home the next day. It was the time that I had to announce to the world about this achievement. But I was apprehensive. You know why? Because I might have forgotten for some moments about how poorly I performed, now the realization was hitting. It was really bad. To my fortune, due to some technical glitch, the live telecast of that program couldn’t happen. And even after 48 hours, there were no signs of any videos. I took it as an opportunity, and using my photograph of the Parliament, I announced it on my WhatsApp story and shared it on some groups. I started receiving wishes. They were overwhelmingly sublime. While my new friends were eagerly waiting for the videos, I was somewhat happy because I wasn’t ready to show mine to the world.
As always, there was a mix of responses. Some people were really upset for I didn’t tell them beforehand. Some of them showed their disappointment directly while some faked their wishes. Some were really surprised and proud that I, their little girl, achieved this great feat. A thousand speculations can be made on what and why they felt whatever they felt. The reasons, as I can calibrate, for the former were because they weren’t actually happy for me. I didn’t give them enough time to be mentally prepared to react to such big thing that came my way. To some extent, I was wrong. I should have given them proper time, both for them to digest it within themselves and, get ready to show off their association with me after my performance. Those who were genuinely happy didn’t care if they were told earlier or not. They were just happy for me. They were proud of me. I even got many unexpected calls. It was all wonderful.
The reasons I didn’t want to share about it earlier because, one — I wasn’t confident with myself and didn’t want any extra pressure of expectations. And obviously other reason was that that I wanted to surprise everyone. As it happened, I was quite satisfied and relieved that I didn’t share the news before. Because as I said, it was not the best speech. I felt as if I have saved myself from greater humiliation.
For how longer I could have held it. The videos were released in next two days. Like all other parents, my parents were extremely proud of me. They were too excited to show the video to everyone despite my consistent reluctance. And here I was, lost to them. The video was shared and again I started receiving wishes. Some close ones put it on their stories too.
Nevertheless, I found a critic. My genuine critic. My brother. He pin-pointed the errors that I made. Basically, he noted all the fumbling that I did which was clearly being ignored by my overwhelmingly proud parents. It is only me who knew that it wasn’t just the fumbling, also I changed a lot of content of the pre-written speech in my final delivery. However, my regret didn’t last long. As I heard my own speech, I realized it wasn’t that bad. Though I fumbled at some points, I forgot many lines, I changed a lot of content, I re-ordered the paragraphs, the only right thing I did was that I nowhere lost my confidence. I felt it in my high tone and all the modulations which I was able to give to my speech. As I’m writing this piece now, I can very well relive the blackouts that I had as soon as I had started speaking. Of course, only I know how I got over them and just blabbered whatever slivers of sentences came to my mind and almost rushingly scrapped it. Also, there was this another thing which I noted in the video. I was blinking my eyes way too much. It was a patently observable event. At first, I thought it was my under-confidence which was reflected. Later, I figured that it was not what I thought it was. It is my habit. Perhaps, this is the reason why my photos always get ruined. After brainstorming with all these thoughts, I was finally ready to share it. There are times when you fall, then come the times when you rise. Both the situations make you realize who are your own people. Perhaps, this was one of those times.
To all those who genuinely were happy, I recognize you people so well. I may not tell you directly, but I truly care for your feelings and that you’ll always be proud of me.
To those who wished me courteously are heartily welcomed.
To those who wished me despite the disappointment, you’re not welcomed any less.
To those who didn’t wish me at all just because you were disappointed that I didn’t tell you earlier, I appreciate you much more than others because then you were being real; thank you to make me realize that I was right; telling you earlier could have jinxed it already.
Finally, to those who couldn’t wish me at all for whatever reasons, I still thank you for telling me that my presence is absent from your lives.
